Having it all

I resigned from my full-time teaching position in June.  When Princess was diagnosed with her nut allergy, I was relieved that I would be at home with her.  A week and a half after Princess’ nut allergy was confirmed, a professional contact offered me a full-time position writing curriculum and designing lessons.  It’s an exciting opportunity that would be rewarding and challenging.  It means, though, figuring out childcare arrangements for Prince and Princess.

In some ways I want to decline the offer.  It doesn’t make a whole lot of sense for my family.  It means dropping Prince off at a before-school daycare program and then him returning to the daycare program after school.  It means finding a daycare program for Princess that offers me enough assurance that she will be safe despite her allergies.  It means finding these programs relatively close to one another and that the programs offer drop off times early enough that I could get them there in time to make a train to the city.  It also means less time with them because I would be getting home later in the evening than I did when I was teaching.

Before Prince was a concept, I had unofficial parenting rules in my head.  I didn’t expect implementing the rules to be so complicated.  For example, I considered it critical that the children have a parent at home with them at all times.  I figured that this would fall to me: the mom.  I assumed that as the mom I would put my career (and life) on hold.  I didn’t imagine that it was possible to give everything you have to both a job and a family.  In some ways, I’m finding I’m right.  I know that my last sentence is highly controversial, but as a parent who has been at home full-time and as a parent who worked outside of the house at a full-time job WHILE being a parent, I can honestly say that I was never fully present at either.  At home, I was always thinking, at least a little bit, about something work related.  At work I was always thinking, at least a little bit, about something family related.  I always felt guilty.  I always felt like I was short-changing work or the kids or Scott or myself.

There are so many reasons not to accept the position.  Why, then, am I reluctant to say no?  Why did I even engage in the conversation?  Why am I making myself crazy with figuring out transportation and daycare logistics?  I could simply thank them for their interest and explain that it doesn’t work for me at this time.  Why can’t I seem to take that step?

That’s a good question.

In a sense, I’m flattered that they approached me for this position.  Also, in a lot of ways, I am not ready to abandon my professional identity.  I love my kids.  I love being a mom, but I also love working and interacting with other adults.  I love being challenged and being busy.  That’s not to say that being at home with Princess would be boring or easy.  Put simply, though, I fear abandoning my professional identity and allowing it to, perhaps, be consumed by my familial identity.

I have to answer their offer tomorrow.  I don’t have an answer to give them.  I know, though, that I don’t want to say no.  I’m just not sure if I can say yes.